Perfect Man

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If you answer yes to this question then you are either a liar or you haven't got past the 3-month honeymoon period. No man is perfect. Even if he is funny, smart, good-looking and rich, the chances are they he will also be lazy, messy, football obsessive and have this quirky little sense of humour which thinks it is funny to fart in bed and then waft it up to you with the covers.

Its funny how despite their imperfections somehow or other (when our defences are down) we still manage to fall for one of them. So what now?

Now I am not one of those annoying 'I've got a psychology PhD therefore I am qualified to write the self-help book' people. I'm a normal girl with a nice boyfriend who appears to be 'perfect'. He supports me while I crazily go back to university, we live in a nice house, he takes me on fabulous holidays, he lovingly tells me I'm gorgeous (trust me, I have a mirror, I'm not) and I've never once seen him ogle an other woman. Perfect? No. He is a 'do it, drop it' chap and I feel I spend my life running around picking up after him. Okay, possible acceptable when it is the odd shoe or dinner plate but when it is snotty hankies (poor petal has allergies) and dirty pants then it is enough to drive you completely crazy!

Now I'm not going to spend the rest of my life running around after him, picking up the pants and the snot laden Kleenex. Whatsmore I'm tired of moaning every waking minute finding myself sounding like my mother and being unable to decide who I hate more him or nagging me. So what to do? Well I reckon I am going to try and train him.

I've been thinking about this, there is actually not much difference being mans best friend and man himself. Simple, hairy, food-obsessed, most of them are even loyal to their owner! So maybe there is therefore hope. So here are some tried and tested dog training techniques that might be useful for your pet.

1. Be firm. If he is bad, don't let it go as a one off. Men are habit-forming creatures. Hit it (or him?) on the head from the start or you'll find that every Saturday night becomes a lads night because that is how it is always been.

2. Beware of your tone of voice. Now you can shout and scream as much as you like. The truth is as soon as you voice rises that extra octave he just switches off. Calm down, sit him down and explain rationally what the problem is. Who says women can't be reasonable?

3. Reward good behaviour. Give them a treat for being a good boy - well they do it for puppies don't they?

Lastly, good luck!